This is not a success story review. You will probably not smile till the end of this piece; you might even end it with a sigh.
I cannot get over the thoughts that I failed so much in 2019.
I failed myself so much, I don’t want to remember it, I even feel like a fraud, but how do I get better, how do I move from where I am to where I want to be? First step is Acknowledgement, so here is.
I failed at reading and writing: I planned to write 50 articles and read 12 books, I barely wrote 5.
I failed at negotiation/Communication: I once had to apologize for negotiating my salary. Lol
I failed largely with regards to deen: I didn’t pay attention to the qur’aan as much as I wanted and I didn’t return to Arabic school.
I failed with regards to my eemaan: I did many things I shouldn’t have done, and didn’t do things I should have done. Eemaan increases and decreases, yeah, but I don’t like how I went from 50 to 2 to 80 to 10 to 87 to 5. It was a rough cycle. I regret.
I failed at getting through with some applications: So many regret emails in my inbox. I am still learning to quickly get over and try something else.
I failed to get a certification in 2019: you know how they say you should get one every year. I didn’t. Sort of.
I failed at getting enough sleep: I wouldn’t really call it failure, but I almost had insomnia. I legit couldn’t sleep. One of the serious downsides of working in cyber security.
I failed at Productivity/Time Management: I spent too many hours just being here and there and not being productive.
I failed at volunteering and giving to the Society: I started volunteering for #NoGoFallMaga, but the last quarter of the year went south and I lost motivation in almost everything.
I failed at getting the girl:
Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: “We believe,” and will not be tested.- [Quran:29:2]
Now the story in full, and a little digression.
The year started with me getting into offensive security and me, challenging myself, and improving my presentation skills, blending in with my new colleagues, Great guys, Great Kings. First quarter of the year was actually the best.
I finished NYSC in March and around that time, Impostor syndrome managed to creep into my life. It’s crazy. On top of that, I got suspended from work. I thought my village people had finally gotten me and things couldn’t get worse. Turns out, they actually did.
Things became better and I didn’t die.
Marzuq got married. He left the single’s crew. I was sort of bestman. I love being involved in people’s success. Before I forget, Rasheed also got married in November, surprised us all. I remember I served rice, amala and porridge at the event. I love service to my people. Taiwo, my cousin also got married, then we had #TheDoubleWedding.
Ramadan came and boosted the eemaan, but it went too soon. Then, I started to feel suffocated, I started searching for a job, eventually got one, career progression, And now again, I am still searching.
In between, I decided to try to get married. Things went good for a while, big hopes, until someway, somehow, it didn’t go like that again. It wasn’t exactly a heartbreak, but it was a painful break. I must say, this period was actually a major turning point in the year.
Oshomah once said:
New job, new environment, new regimen new situation exposed me to a new reality of life, I began to ask myself if I was ready or if I actually made a mistake.
The last part of the year actually had me battling with loneliness and boredom and hate, I kinda sorta lost focus at this point. Things became blurry.
Oh yeah, I moved to my place and started to live alone. The highlight of the loneliness. Then I began to like it, but things were still blurry.
My grandmother died mid year, may Allah forgive her and grant her Al-jannah. I hardly knew her, but great woman, she was, they said. Also, I attended the janazah of a man I never knew, and some other deaths hit differently.
May Allah forgive the dead muslims.
All in all, I struggled to find excitement in 2019, I was bored, disappointed, had self-doubts, and regretted a lot, but really, also learnt a lot.
Maybe another article for lessons learnt.
I have no doubts that the coming days will be better, especially as I am taking actual calculated steps, I mean, real steps. I can only hope for more blessings from my Lord.
No doubts, I have fears for further failure, weakness, but we will be nothing, if we let our fears consume us.
Before I go, I should make it clear, I am grateful. Grateful to Allah for life, islam and intellect.
I am grateful to everyone who has been part of my story one way or the other. Truly.
I am grateful to my mum, for not leaving me out to dry. I cannot thank you enough.
My siblings, for everything y’all gave and took from me;
Taiwo, for giving me food, money and love;
Egbon for giving me food, shelter and oppression, lovely oppression;
The Odeyinkas for giving me food and shelter;
Marzuq, for listening to my concerns;
Halimah, for everything here and there;
Naeemah and Lateepha for being Naeemah and Lateepha;
Wonu, especially for the induction doughnut;
Uncle Abdul Hakeem, for all the life advices, really shaped me;
Khadeejah, for being a good friend until some point.
Rasheed, for just being there, and all the mother figures in my life who have prayed for me, and been mothers to me.
Cheers, To more smiles.
If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; [Qur’an 14:7]